I’ve been meaning to update my blog, but this particular post is the hardest for me. It’s the moment everything changed, I changed, and my way of life changed. I had been through tough and scary moments, but nothing compared to this moment.

Once my embolization was set it felt as like time had just flown by.  I prepared the best I could, but there wasn’t really anything drastic that had been done. I was informed that I would have my surgery, with no foreseeable complications, but the doctors had a plan should they occur. I was supposed to have my surgery on December 14th, be evaluated the following morning and if everything went as planned I would discharge the day after surgery. I would take about a week to recover and should be able to go back to work by the end of the month or early the new year. That was the plan and that is what I set my mind to.  That was the next step to resuming the life I had to abruptly stop. After I would finally be able to put everything behind me and restart with no interruptions.

The night before my embolization was not easy. I had the nerves of a kid starting a new school and not knowing what to expect. I was that kid in the dark not knowing what to expect but trying to stay positive. Even though I knew I had to have my surgery and was comforted with the knowledge of a good outcome. I feared the “what ifs”.  That last night before the embolization I was with my boyfriend. We were eating, or trying to at least, since I had only until 10pm that night to consume any food. It hit me, the knot in my throat, the sinking of my heart and the trembling in my voice. I looked at him and I couldn’t be the brave person I tried so hard to be. I broke down. I was terrified and no words could comfort me. I never felt such hurt I knew it was long overdue and it needed to be done. I shared my fears and sadness with him. He is my rock and he knew just how to act and respond to bring me ease yet again. Saying goodnight was the hardest. I would see him after my surgery and those “ what if’s” creeped into my mind for a split second, but I did what I knew would be comforting to us both and that’s being brave. I reassured him I’ll see him soon and that everything will be okay, I will be better soon. We said are final goodbyes for the night. That night I tried to sleep but I couldn’t, and I knew my little sister was the same way. So we stayed up later than we should’ve but I never regretted it, she distracted me for that short period of time and made me forget about the reality that was to follow in the morning.

December 14th I woke up early. I got dressed and my things in order before I was to leave to the hospital. My aunt was driving me to the hospital that morning along with my mom and little sister. It was finally time to leave and I had to say my goodbyes to my dad, and 2 younger brothers. I hugged each of them so tight, kissed them on the cheek and got watery eyes in the process. I didn’t know when it was enough so I hugged them twice, each time not wanting to let go, but knew I had to. I said, “see you soon” and I got in the car and left.

Once I arrived at the hospital I was taken to the surgery prep room. There I changed into my gown and hospital socks and my nurse set up my IV. I still had my family that drove me to ease my nerves. I didn’t have to wait much until the anesthesiologist came in to introduce himself and explain what he would be doing and be in charge of monitoring during my surgery. At that moment he told me, “I think we’re ready now, so say your goodbyes and we can get started“. I quickly turned to the side of my hospital bed, where my mom, sister and aunt had been standing. I hugged my aunt first, then my little sister lastly my mom did the sign of the cross , hugged me and said she would see me after. I began to cry silently, scared more than I ever had been.

 

Everything was a blur after that, I was put to sleep. I woke briefly twice after my surgery, both times not opening my eyes fully and not coherent to know what was going on. The first time I woke I just saw the hospital ceiling and the bright light blinding me, I didn’t know where I was and quickly fell back to sleep. The second time I remember a nurse trying to wake me. I didn’t open my eyes fully but could see the silhouettes of my mom and oldest sister and hear their voices. I distinctly remember my mom asking how I felt, I told her my head hurt so bad and I was so sleepy I couldn’t stay awake. My sister told me just rest, that she was going home and would see me soon. I faintly remember anything more. After that I fell asleep again. Other than this two brief moments I slept the entire day of my surgery. I was told I would be sleepy, and that sleep is part of the healing process that it would be normal.

The next day I was awaken by my nurse, and everything felt odd . I had blurred vision, my right eye felt swollen, my face felt heavy on the right side, I heard a buzzing sound on my left ear and was trembling throughout my entire body. I immediately knew something wasn’t right. My mom was in the room with me when I woke up. She looked at me as if everything was normal she stayed very calm and comforting. Shortly after a Physical Therapist came in to walk me and decide if I was able to go home as planned. That moment the PT helped me to the edge of my bed and directed me to stand. My mind was telling my body to stand but by legs weren’t responding. The PT then tried to assist me to stand and that’s when my legs didn’t respond, they were like noodles wobbly and I couldn’t get my body to react and stand on its own. The PT said that was all for the day since it was to dangerous for me and her to try any further. I laid back down in my bed, in shock I didn’t know what was wrong, what had happened and why I couldn’t stand.

Later that day I was told I wasn’t going to be discharged home. They discovered I had a massive stroke the overnight, a stroke so large my doctors were surprised I survived it. The surgery was supposed to go smoothly without complications, this was not suppose to happen. I was told that there was a 1 in a million chance of a stroke happening. I couldn’t believe this was happening, I was tired of being the “rare” one.  That’s when I felt my heart shattering and everything falling apart again.